Bigger

For the past three years, I breathed and lived as if God is as tangible as the wind to me. I was joyful, loving and forgiving. I could see God in anything and in everything. With one prayer, I could hear Him answer. I appreciated the simple things and the "problems" did not really weigh me down. It was as if God fell in love with me and He would not leave my side.

But I woke up one October morning and felt His absence. I could not literally see the beauty in people, in things, in blessings. It was as if i lost my sight. I could not feel the warmth of the sunshine, the refreshing gift of a morning bath, and the resting power of sleep. It was as if I lost my ability to feel the good things. I could not take a step towards my life purposes and goals. It was as if I was crippled.

But the most painful of all loss was when I could not hear God. Not in the Bible, not in the worship songs, not in the Holy Mass, not in the words of sincere friends and family. There was none. It was as if I had gone deaf.

It was as if I was dead.

I turned to the Book of Job where he experienced God's silence. Although I was comforted in it, I was still frustrated, annoyed, desperate, and in sorrow.

The Lover of my Soul seemed to have fallen out of love.
Is that even possible?

Days, weeks and months passed. He would not answer me at all.
But i promised Him that I will not rest until I find Him again. Until i see Him again. Feel Him again. Walk with Him again.

Hear Him again.

When God seems distant, there will be nothing and no one there to fill that hole inside. Not affection and not attention.

Every day i searched for answers why He allowed me to be in this state and I learned that God is more than our feelings. He is more than what our senses tell us. He is near, so near even when we have grown numb. He speaks even when the silence meant absence. He is so much more than all these!

God is never distant. But He sure did want me to learn how to trust in Him beyond what i see, feel, hear and tread upon. He is even beyond my instinct. And I now believe that when God seems distant, He is only teaching me and allowing me to move beyond and widen my ability to be faithful :)

When you happen to wake up one morning and find that He is not there, and praise songs does not make you feel Him, or the sharing of others does not work at all...pause. Pause for awhile.

God is not hiding. God is not being silent. He is not trying to be invisible. God did not walk ahead of you or side-stepped somewhere.

It's our smallness.
We just have to be bigger.